Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
