he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
