I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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