i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
