i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
