Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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