worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
