why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
