I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
