Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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