My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
