Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
