I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
