8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
