I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
