I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
