Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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