My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
