I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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