she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
