Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
