I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
