Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
