I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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