Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
