Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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