I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I believe in your delicious
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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