You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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