If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
