No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
