You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
