a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
