You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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