ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
