I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
