where am i from again
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
