Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I looked at my own cervix.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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