I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
