Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
