DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
