You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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