I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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