alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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