I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My ass is underappreciated
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
