I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
