smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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