She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
