My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
