i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
