Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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