I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
