Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
