It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
