Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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