You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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