I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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