True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
