Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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